Love packing for holidays :) so excited but so nervous too.. Really really hoping I can enjoy this holidays without the anxiety like the last one :( anorexia please you’re not welcome this time!
Mum bought me this gorgeous ring today to celebrate 1 WHOLE MONTH SINCE I STOPPED COUNTING CALORIES!!!!!!!!
I could not be more proud of myself right now :)
I’m going to Australia next week for a holiday and I used to love trying different foods in different countries that I can’t get in NZ. And I really want to know what I should try in Australia??
This weekend has been aaaamazing! Here’s a list of a few things which have made it.
I have gotten myself out of bed feeling super shitty and decided that I wasn’t going to let my day be like that so I made waffles and ate them with my family and it was awesome!
I have eaten cookies made by my mum which were my favourite ever since I was little.
I have eaten a hotdog for lunch and still carried on to eat the extras I usually have with my lunch.
I have chosen chocolate milk over plain merely because I felt like chocolate milk and it is FAB!
I have LAUGHED, like really laughed for the first time I can remember in a loooong time.
I ate a dinner in a restaurant which I didn’t enjoy and then went onto struggle through a dessert I really didn’t want and was all set to not enjoy the movie we went to watch but instead I told my head to pull it together and I closed it all out and I found myself LAUGHING OUT LOUD at the movie, not forced, not politely just pure genuine laughter because I couldn’t stop myself (this just doesn’t happen) and you know what.. I will cherish that moment forever, the moment I laughed again.
I cannot honestly remember the last time I laughed like that, I really never thought I would again and that really upset me but… I DID, I LAUGHED, I FOUND SOMETHING FUNNY, I WAS ABSORBED, and in that moment nothing else mattered.
Oh and I baked again too! With butter, with sugar, and with my mum and it was fabulous :) and you know what is even better, it didnt turn out exactly as I had planned but I didn’t cry over it and wow that is amazing, it wasn’t perfect and that’s OK!
I still have a niggling feeling of fear and confusion but I hope with all my heart that I will one day find my path in life and I hope to be able to follow it with laughter and joy and hope and determination and strength and happiness and friends and family by my side.
I WILL GET THERE, I AM NOT GIVING UP.
My mantra lately has been, I may have fat but I am not fat!
And what does fat matter anyway, it’s just a word that is thrown around far to often these days but I have decided that if I have energy and joy to laugh whole heartedly and I am healthy and happy then I KNOW that that is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT! IT IS! IT IS! IT IS!!!!
Winter water fights are what life is all about :D
I washed my car with so much energy and enthusiasm today that instead of snapping and sulking when I got sprayed with a little water, I FOUND THE OLD CHELSEA and I sprayed my mum right back and ended up having a water fight and having the most fun I have had in ageeees and OMG I LAUGHED AGAIN!!! This may not seem like a big deal but to me this is MASSIVE, it is like the epitome of everything I wanted from recovery and to me it means that I am getting there! Not everyday is filled with joy and rainbows but it’s days like these that keep me fighting :)
I love doing crafts on rainy days!
I redid my inspiration boards in my room and this time I decided to leave most of the hearts blank so I can fill them in as I find quotes and words that inspire me and help me keep fighting :)
I’m really happy with how they turned out, it was so much fun :D
Sorry! :( my head has just been all over the place lately and I didn’t know what to post so I kind of took a break to try and sort out my own thoughts without affecting others on here, but I will try to start posting more :)
No I haven’t been in hospital, my family chose to do the maudsley treatment method which meant I got to stay at home :)
Great! I have finished putting it together now :D now I just need to get it quilted and then bind it and the. It will be all finished :D
Thank you so much! :) I am going great on the food front, I am doing full maudsley treatment at the moment so my parents are controlling everything I eat which is extremely hard but has also helped me to come soooooo far in the past 2 months and I have been eating so many of what used to be fear foods most days now so that is a massive step in the right direction! However mentally I have been struggling immensely, I have been getting really depressed and having major panic attacks and all that but they keep telling me that it will get better so I am really hoping they are right cause right now it’s really scaring me :( oh and I have got a full time job now working for my dad learning all the business side of things which I have been really enjoying! It’s like when I’m at work I’m a totally different person, I feel free and a lot happier but then pretty much as soon as I get in the car to come home, all the thoughts come flooding back :(
Wow you are a gem whoever you are, you know how to brighten my day. Thank you thank you thank you, I am sure you are absolutely stunning yourself :) can we be friends you are so lovely? :)